my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Morning my dudes.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
All generalizations are stupid.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.