Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..