Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
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My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close