My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes