I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!