Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
black phone good
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”