My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.