In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!