Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.