There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Meme Monday.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.