wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Whoa 😂
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.