If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
A drum solo but on your face.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
this is uni
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
new wife guy just dropped
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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