The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
You Might Also Like
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I’m a self-made hundredaire
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
inside you are two wolves
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.