OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
You Might Also Like
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Danger is very dangerous
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on