[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
You Might Also Like
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
How high do the levels go?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her