“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Those are good neighbors.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.