I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*