ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.