Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
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WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.