When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Dear Lord..
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
2022 be like
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.