Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
You Might Also Like
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Well, that didn’t work.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.