[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?