My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
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mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?