A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The news is so predictable nowadays
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.