It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.