[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
May have had one breakfast too many
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I like donuts.
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