20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I can also cook 😂
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.