Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”