Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Pretty much. 🤣