9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
so this horse walks into a bar
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.