It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
😅🤣😂
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?