“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Does this dress make me look cat?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-