I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”