Basketball games are very squeaky.
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Accurate
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”