I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You Might Also Like
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Legend 🤣🤣
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
“i miss shittin on people”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad