paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
it is time once again
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.