If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.