I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
💯😂
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.