If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
hey, alexa
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.