I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
You Might Also Like
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk