You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Friday night party time 🥳
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Strangers have the best candy.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned