customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?