Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.