I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
And that about sums it up.