me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.