[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit