*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!