Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*