today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
One of the best
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.