DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”